Grading Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan’s performance on ‘The Bachelorette’: Week 7

This is “Grading Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan’s performance on The Bachelorette.” Here’s what’s happening: This season, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan — who had a brief stint in the NFL and Canadian Football League himself — is a contestant on The Bachelorette. I will be tracking his progress and analyzing how he’s playing for as long as he can hang in there. I invite you to come along on this journey with me as Jordan tries to capture The Bachelorette equivalent of the Lombardi trophy: JoJo Fletcher’s heart.

Heading into tonight’s episode, I feel like a little kid at my birthday party with a mound of wrapped presents — none of which are shaped like books — in front of me. Or, to continue to use the correct kind of metaphor for this series (football ones, DUH!!!!) I feel like my NFL team made it to the playoffs and has a good chance of progressing.

Because this week, my friends, Jordan has home-field advantage. Literally. He’s taking JoJo home to meet his family (as are the three other remaining contestants who look very much like Jordan but about whom we care very little) and the previews show that he takes her to his high school football stadium. Because of course he does.

I’m also thrilled because tonight we’re going to learn more about the rift between Jordan, his family, and his very famous, football-playing, Green Bay-representing brother Aaron Rodgers, who is the reason I started tracking Jordan’s performance on this godforsaken show in the first place. If you need reminding, it turns out Jordan and Aaron don’t speak. And to hear Jordan tell JoJo about it last week at a dimly lit, rose petal-covered table in Buenos Aires, it sounded like maybe Aaron doesn’t speak to anyone in his family anymore. I cannot wait to find out and to meet Mama Rodgers, Papa Rodgers, and Jordan’s brother Luke, who is prolific on Twitter and appeared in one of the previews for this week speaking sternly to JoJo.

I also need to tell you that, seeing as it’s hometown dates tonight, I have decided the only way to do this episode justice is to watch the show in my hometown. So I am sitting on the couch in my family’s house next to my mother, who is currently knitting and has not seen a single episode of this season but — good mother that she is — reads my recaps (which means she only knows what’s happened through my skewed and bizarre lens). I will occasionally include her perspective as a parent, because we will be watching parents meet their sons’ potential mate, and also because, in my mother’s own words, she is “a woman who can’t keep her mouth shut nor her opinions to herself.” Her name is Deb.

I’m kidding, you guys! I am at home but I didn’t fly here just to watch The Bachelorette. That would be insane. The truth is that I’m on vacation but there was no way I was going to skip an episode, let alone one as important as this.

• “It’s been tough for him to be vulnerable with his emotions,” JoJo says about Chase. Deb (my mom) absolutely loses it. She can’t stop laughing. “Oh, please,” she finally says, once she catches her breath.
• The Republican National Convention is going on at the same time that JoJo is complaining about Chase’s lack of vulnerability. People in Cleveland are chanting, “Build that wall!” and meanwhile JoJo is like, “Let’s break down these emotional walls!” and I’m like, “America!”
• Chase’s mom is very warm and nice and great and I like her a lot.

JORDAN’S HOMETOWN DATE: JORDAN GETS AN A, BUT JOJO GETS A C

Okay YES, here we go, this is it. What we’ve been waiting for, folks. It’s time to meet the Rodgerses. Rodgerses? Rogerii? Whatever.

They’re from in Chico, California, and I totally freak out because THAT’S WHERE RYAN ATWOOD FROM THE O.C. IS FROM! JORDAN IS RYAN! RYAN IS JORDAN!

…and I realize that they’re not from the same place, and I’m pretty crushed.

But there’s not much time for bumming because JoJo and Jordan are now at Jordan’s high school football stadium. We all knew this was going to happen. There was no way the producers weren’t going to get that shot of Jordan staring wistfully at the scoreboard, remembering a) his glory days on the ol’ gridiron and b) all the girls he made out with underneath the very bleachers he and JoJo are currently sitting on.

At least that’s what I imagine happened — my all-girls high school didn’t have a football team, so I just assume every school that did is exactly like the Dillon Panthers on Friday Night Lights. So here is a bootleg fan tribute video of Tim Riggins, just for good measure

In an aside to the camera, JoJo’s talking about Aaron. She’s like, “Where did things go wrong?” Which to me sounds like, “I was told I’d get to hang out with a famous quarterback. Why am I not getting to hang out with a famous quarterback?”

Back on the bleachers, JoJo says to Jordan, “I know your brother Aaron is not going to be there.” And Jordan’s like “We don’t talk about it,” as he smiles one of those please-stop-talking-about-this-right-now smiles. “No, it won’t come up,” he continues. “Yeah, it doesn’t need to be a topic. I’ll just tell them we talked about it.”

And then JoJo asks, “How did your family feel about you going on the show?” And Jordan says, “They were skeptical.”

And then we cut to an aside where JoJo says to the camera, “Part of me wonders if they’ll be skeptical.” And I turn to my mom and I’m like hold on, be right back, I’m going to go walk directly into the ocean, and she’s like cool, I’ll come with you.

Then we meet the Rodgerses! Jordan looks just like his parents, which I hear is a thing that sometimes happens to kids. Wild! At dinner (or maybe lunch? I can’t tell, but obviously the wine is flowing) his mom talks about how she called Jordan her “spicy child,” and then tells a story about how, when he was little, he used to threaten to run away. She’d tell him that if he left the property, she’d call the police. So Jordan would pack his backpack, march out to the border of their yard, and then just stand there and stare back at her.

It’s pretty sweet. But it also exposes how totally messed up the hometown dates are, because you take these parents, who generally seem just to want the best for their kids, and then toss them, their brainwashed offspring, and the object of his affection into a snake pit of producers and cameras and ask them how they feel.

Here’s Deb’s assessment so far: “This is really mean.”

JoJo is doing that thing where she kind of slurs her speech after drinking white wine for an entire afternoon, and brings up Aaron to Jordan’s brother Luke. And Luke is like “We don’t talk about that.”

In an aside to the camera Luke launches into this whole thing about how everyone thinks Jordan had everything handed to him because of Aaron, but how being Aaron’s brother actually made it harder for Jordan, and I don’t know if I believe this. Luke has the same haircut as Jordan. Luke’s girlfriend was Miss Ohio in 2011. My mom asks me how I know this. I don’t know how I know this. I’m a little concerned that I know this.

JoJo is still slightly slurring her speech when she’s talking to Jordan’s dad. “[Jordan] is such an incredible man,” she says. “Of course everyone has opinions that he is where he is because of his brother. Or that his brother did this for him. But everything he is, the man he’s become, he did on his own.”

“I know who Jordan is,” she continues. “I know who is he is to me. He’s nobody’s brother. He’s a man I’m falling in love with.”

A) yes, he IS somebody’s brother, and b) IF YOU’RE SO SURE JORDAN DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS BROTHER, WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT HIS BROTHER, JOJO!?

But I am bummed that not one Rodgers explained why they don’t talk to Aaron. Come on, throw America a bone. Part of me — the part of my heart that isn’t as dark, cynical, and hardened as the rest of it — wonders if this was a Rodgers family Hail Mary attempt to get Aaron to talk to them again. Like, what if they just really miss him and went on national TV to tell him that? And then the rest of my blackened heart is like, “This is a calculated move to use a famous brother to launch yourself into a career in sports broadcasting.”

The further I travel down this rabbit hole of reality TV, the less I know what’s real.

Anyway, so then JoJo leaves, but before she leaves, she’s all, “Jordan, are you sure you’d be ready to be engaged after this?” And Jordan is exasperated and is basically like, “What part of, ‘I love you and want to be engaged to you don’t you understand?'” And JoJo’s like “Okay, okay, sorry,” and then gets into the black SUV that whisks her away.

Poor showing from JoJo, to be honest. Jordan kind of nailed it, though. Also, at one point on the date, his mom is talking to him and she says, “Wow, this could be your destiny. This could be your plan. You could be engaged,” and I can’t tell if Jordan’s expression is one of excitement or that thing your face does before you realize there’s a chance your life might be ending.

ROBBY: NOT JORDAN, BUT A FEW THOUGHTS ANYWAY

• On this date we learn that JoJo can do a two-finger whistle, and all of a sudden my respect for her grows exponentially.
• They are riding in a carriage. Robby is like, “This is romantic!” And I’m like, the last time a horse-drawn carriage in the 21st century was romantic was never.
• “Her hand is in his crotch constantly,” Deb says, shaking her head at the television. “And Robby is much better looking than that haircut would let you believe.”
• Robby’s ex-girlfriend’s roommate is spreading stuff on the internet about how he’s not there for the right reasons. It’s our first “right reasons” drop of the night! We then proceed to get ten more utterances of the signature phrase on the rest of the date, during which JoJo is once again softly slurring her speech. Robby proceeds to drag his ex-girlfriend, Hope, through the proverbial mud, which is in this case the televisions of millions of Americans. JoJo worries Robby isn’t over Hope. Robby says he is over Hope.
• “You used to be able to send a guy out to kill a dragon, or kill an ogre,” My mom says.
• “Wait, what are you talking about?” I ask.
• “You know, in fairy tales, the dad would send guys out to kill a dragon or chop up an ogre,” she continues. “And the guy who did it best got the princess. Now, they have to make villains out of the poor ex-girlfriend or the football player brother. They have to invent dragons to kill and ogres to chop up.”
• Just going to leave that there.

LUKE’S HOMETOWN DATE: NOT JORDAN, BUT HERE ARE A FEW THOUGHTS ANYWAY

Luke throws a huge Texas barbecue where he wants JoJo to meet everyone he’s ever known. Deb thinks this will scare JoJo away. Deb is probably right.

ROSE CEREMONY: UGH, NOT GRADING IT BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS ARE THE WORST

“Now what do we do?” my mom asks, as Luke’s date comes to a close.

“ROSE CEREMONY!!!!” I shout, putting my hands in the air. She disowns me. I am now in the market for a new mom. Maybe we can turn it into a reality show called The Mom. Where it’s me and 25 middle-aged women who are all worried I’m still not over my old mom.

So we’re at an airport, for some reason, and there’s a private plane in the hangar and the guys are on a red carpet wearing tuxedos. JoJo is wearing a dress that looks like it’s made out of a mermaid’s tail.

To the cameras, JoJo is like, “I’m going to say goodbye to Luke.” Which is shocking because I was pretty sure Luke was going to win the whole thing. But then Luke throws a Hail Mary, takes her aside right before she’s about to ditch him, and tells her he loves her.

This is not allowed. This is messing with the rulebook of the Rose Ceremony. I throw a penalty flag at the television in the form of a sweatshirt.

And JoJo is like, “I’ve been wanting him to say this for so long.” The longest she could possibly have been waiting is seven weeks.

And then the show just ends. 

They don’t even tell us who gets eliminated. They’re making us wait another week. I’m livid.

But here’s my prediction: Chase gets sent home. Although there’s a chance that Luke’s desperate, cheating play won’t have been enough to save him and she’s still going to toss him out.

We’ll find out next week on Monday, and then on Tuesday — because the producers have no regard for human life (aka the people who write recaps of this show) — we have “The Men Tell All” episode. This is where the angry guys JoJo sent home all get to confront her about it. It’s kind of feels like the locker room after you lose a game and your coach yells at you. Maybe. I’m running out of football metaphors. Please send help.